Week 21 - Monday
When I woke up yesterday morning, I remembered with some disbelief my behaviour during an incident on Saturday evening. We had taken Phil, our youngest son to the airport. He had been due to go on his first long-haul holiday (to Bali) with a mate on Friday evening. But, on the day, he had a high temperature and cough, etc so he managed to defer his flight till Saturday evening. He still didn’t look well but he was determined to go - so we decided we would take him to the airport ourselves.
As we were leaving the car-park, travelling down the spiral ramp between floors, solid congestion of traffic meant we were bumper to tail as we travelled down. On one floor, waiting to join the flow was a car with an impatient driver who decided to nudge forward between me and the car in front. As I had the right of way and ‘didn’t feel like’ letting someone in I nosed forward myself in my queue. With this, the other driver decided to pull completely forward and cut me up (on the single lane down ramp in a car park!). For someone with brain-fog, fatigue and slowed reactions, I couldn’t believe my quick response and the speed with which one hand instantly hit the car horn and the other raised a middle finger to the other middle aged couple sitting inside their Audi, three feet away from me. They stared at me in disgruntled disbelief as I then continued forward in the queue.
I couldn’t believe this incident of riba-rage - not letting other drivers into traffic, horns, middle finger! Most unlike me generally. As I was mulling this over in my early morning waking routine, Carol came in to ask some simple question about the day - and this ended in me indulging in further riba-rage. I don’t know hat we (or rather I) was arguing about or what I said but I can remember being amazed at the volume and ferocity of my words. Yes it was me but not characteristically me.
Upset that I had upset Carol, not having a clue what the argument was about, and still feeling enough of the stuff inside me to not want any more argument I refused to discuss it - and spent the morning in bed reading the Sunday papers. I felt ‘off’ everything - blogging (didn’t turn the computer on all day), treatment, friends, family. I later managed to pull myself together to go to yoga. But once we were there, I quickly realised I was ‘off’ yoga too - and left the class after 20 minutes. I went and had a Starbucks while Carol finished the class. I suppose having the coffee was the only thing I enjoyed doing all day! Not a good day.
This morning I am feeling completely different (I think!) and will be leaving shortly to go The Hepatitis C Trust for the web chat this afternoon! I am looking forward to that - and will no doubt write about it later! See The Hepatitis C Trust website for more details!
April 4th, 2005 at 10:40 am
I think many will empathise with you, Ron, though it doesn’t really help. I got siimilalry irritable yesterday, driving back from Doncaster with a large display cabinet on the roof of my car. One idiot decided to drive so close I couldn’t see his number plate - I’m sure you know how off putting that is. I did what many do in that situation - slammed the brakes on and decided if the cabinet was to fly off, or he went in to the back of me, it’s his fault!
I know that I get unreasonable at times, especially on ‘one of those days’, but why is it so often the selfish behaviour of others which sparks it off. Our health is a good excuse - what do they blame it on?
April 4th, 2005 at 1:00 pm
Hi Ron,
Don’t get upset about the Riba driving. An awful lot of other drivers are like that without the chemical help! (Most of them seem to live around here!)
The rule is ‘gesture and hoot all you like but don’t get out of the car’!
If the other guy had been patient and sensible rather than pushy you would have let him out, wouldn’t you?
I used to find that getting out of the bad mood that this sort of thing creates is the most difficult bit.
Martin
April 4th, 2005 at 2:05 pm
Hi Ron,
Sod other drivers they don’t matter, in fact thats exactly what other road users are there for - specifically so you can take out your anger.
Carol sounds like a wonderful person, and I am sure that she understands what you are going through and that it is the drugs not you that is being nasty. This treatment effects our partners just as much as it effects us, I always find that after I have riba raged at Paul that I become overcome with the deepest sorrow, it is typically episodes like this that make me go and cry the most and question why I am doing this sodding treatment.
I have tried to encourage Paul to blog about his experiences of living with me on treatment but he is loath to do so, it is a shame as I do think that a partners perspective would be insightful. My guess is that I am too horrible and he is concerned that I would not like what he blogged!
I hope you are feeling a bit better today.
Jonathan
April 4th, 2005 at 7:38 pm
Of all the symptoms I get it`s the riba-rage I fear most. While I think it is entirely possible to commit murder on this stuff and get away with it on grounds of diminished responsibility, I really would prefer not to have all the hassle.
It`s a side I take very seriously and have strict contingency plans to cope with it.
Picking up on Jonathans point, Sarah was just saying today that she could do with some support from fellow partners of those on tx.
Maybe she will start a blog and get helpful feedback through comments in just the same way we do.
Paul.
April 5th, 2005 at 2:39 am
hi ron. i’m sorry to read you had an off day. whilst not on treatment i can empathise. i can also empathise with you regarding drivers and poor manners. maybe it wasn’t ribarage at all, but plain old roadrage. i stick the middle finger up at stupid drivers too, and i’ve only got to deal with darwin’s traffic….but northern territorians are a weird bunch of people anyway. everybody has off days anyway, so don’t koill yourself over it. just kiss your carol and apologise and everything will be alllllrigghhht.
yours in regard
tom pryce
Ron writes:
Thanks Tom for your reassuance - off days are a regular occurence and go with the territory! Carol and I made up - as we have done regularly on a number of ‘off’ days!! Talk to you soon!
Ron
April 5th, 2005 at 7:49 pm
Hi Ron
thanks again for taking the time to do the live chat on monday.. your experience has given me an insight into whats going on with my body.
I had a docs appointment today, to discuss managing the sides i’ve experienced in the 1st two weeks of treatment, and was stunned when my GP suggested I come off the treatment immediately. I had gone to see him since my emotions were kinda ‘haywire’ and i had hardly slept for the past few days. I got the distinct impression that he felt i was a drug user looking for some sort of ‘fix’, he actually said that he felt he was being ‘blackmailed’ into giving me sleeping pills!!
So tonight i’m having trouble deciding where to go now.. I left the Gp’s office in disgust but i see my nurse tomorrow so i hope things are a bit more positive..
anyway the point is i was wondering if you had any bad experiences with healthcare workers who assume that you must be hepc+ due to injecting drugs? I am still pretty angry at the fact i have hepc since i have no idea how i contracted the virus, and this experience today has set me back somewhat..
take care
Alan
Ron writes:
Hi Alan
Thanks for the feedback on the web chat - and for your comments!
Sounds like you are having some rough side-effects - sleep is important!
Alan, if you’re under the care of a specialist unit at the hospital - where you see your nurse - it strikes me that is the place to discuss your ’sides’ first!! Your nurse is more used to seeing patients on interferon & ribs than your GP and will recognise what is common to the treatment, ie- no doubt she has more specialist knowledge of HepC than he does! And therefore more sympathetic to your sides!
Mynurse suggested very early on I could have sleeping tablets if I wanted them - so I think the sleep problem is a very common one on tx! It may make sense to ask your nurse to write to (or speak to) your GP so that you have some support on the issue. Alternatively you could ask the nurse to arrange a doctor on their team at the hospital to prescribe tablets for you.
I think the GP was out of order to suggest you stop the treatment immediately - he isn’t medically responsible for prescribing you the HepC treatment in the first place - the hospital was!! And he is interfering or undermining another clinican’s judgement! (There’s an ethical issue in there!)
The other thing I worry about with these situations - we are often angry already about the diagnosis and often ‘irritable’ as a side of the tx - it makes sense to try to be extra patient with situations and relationships such as these which you will need over the period of tx (unlike less important relationships - such as the car driver I gave the finger to the other night). I don’t mean put up with ‘anything’ or ‘everything’ but try to make sure you keep your cool when you take issues up.
Good luck - let me know how you get on! All the best
Ron
April 5th, 2005 at 8:08 pm
Hi Ron Injection 2 today so am going to be positive about the forthcoming week.Last week had some tough moments but by weekend I did feel better But do know by some funny looks I also suffered from not being my normal cheery self & I felt quite agitated & teary when seeing Mynurse today My daughter Mandy is my ROCK a special thanks to ALL our support people Yes nice to meet you & Carol last week good to put face to name .We will press on with a most interestig journey as well as hopefully ridding our bodys of the viris Im sure we will learn lots about ourselves!! Bright Blessings Ann
Ron writes:
Hi Ann
Well, Mynurse can make me feel agitated and teary at times too - so I know what you mean … (should I apologise now, Mynurse, or when I see you?)
Good you’ve got the support Ann - it will be important during the journey! And staying centred and balanced - I know you’ve got your strategies for that too!
Despite the chemically induced sife-effects, the opportunity for change and growth as we go through this journey is endless! Wish you well - talk to you soon!
Ron
April 6th, 2005 at 9:55 pm
Ron, I experienced a similar thing two or three weeks ago when I was being such a putz at work that I sent myself home about halfway through the shift. Once home, I found that I was making everyone else miserable, too. Donna (my wife) and I have been experiencing some quiet times, if you will, and one morning I decided to send her flowers at work. She told me later that when she arrived at work she saw a florist truck and commented to a coworker (grumble) “I wish they were for me.” Later in the afternoon, my bouquet arrived.:)
I love the Holy Spirit. (heh-heh)
So, this week, to cut down on the stress, I have come up to Ripshin Mountain, where my mom lives on a trout lake, for a day or so of just regular life. Being that Wednesdays are “high energy” days for me, I have spent some time helping her with some cleanup projects.
It’s been good. I need to do this every so often, and hope to really take some peace time once the fish start biting.:)
Blessings to you, my brother … and here’s to recognizing riba-rage for what it is!
Buzz
Ron writes:
I hope you find a few days of peace - you deserve it!
All the best
Ron