Week 29 - Sunday: Strange Stuff These Drugs
It’s almost 7 pm and I am sitting here still in my bathrobe having lounged about all day not doing much of anything. When I woke this morning at 8 am, I felt very fed up - with ‘my limitations’. I thought I have no energy or enthusiasm for doing anything. Could have been going for a walk in the nearby country park, to the Summer Exhibition at the Royal Academy in town, to the cinema - or even doing some painting at home or cutting the grass and some household jobs. But I couldn’t be bothered to push myself or get myself together to do any of these things. All of it such an effort. At the same time doing ‘what I feel like’ (not much) seems such a waste of time - this is the only time I will have this day. I feel frustrated this is all I want to, or can, do with it - sit about being tired.
So I did some Reiki meditation and then felt more centred and relaxed about the day. I visited the blogs this morning - doesn’t it now take ages to catch up with everyone’s news as the blogging community has grown! It is inspiring to hear how everyone is coping with this treatment. Then I fiddled about online, researching and planning for the portal website I have mentioned recently in the Forum - and talked to Ben about some of the technicalities.
After lunch I decided to go back to bed - something I haven’t felt like doing in the middle of the day for weeks, doing a few Sudoku puzzles (brain exercise at the very least) and fell asleep. Decided I didn’t feel like going to yoga. So I guess I have been pottering about for the rest of the time.
I read somewhere recently people discussing the enjoyment of just pottering about. I agree there is some pleasure in ‘being in the moment’ and ‘going with the flow’ - enjoying the activity whatever it is, instead of being filled with feelings of what I ‘ought’ or ’should’ be doing. Yesterday I had an aromatherapy massage from Carol which did leave me feeling both energised and relaxed - so pottering was enjoyable and acceptable then. But - and there is a but, I did spend yesterday doing just this and now today - how much time can I potter away? I haven’t been out of the house for two days - as I haven’t felt like it.
I am aware that my 3 evening a week job did leave me tired this week - I guess I have not previously really realised how much energy it takes out of me to join ‘everyday’ life and perform at my best over this time. I admire those on treatment who work full time, especially in stressful work environments - don’t think I could do it. And I haven’t been sleeping the long hours I was previously, for some reason, so I suspect some of this weekend’s tiredness is to do with that.
A couple of hours ago I received an email from Martin, which he ended by asking how I am as he observed I sound a little flat since I have come back from Spain. In part, it is about being back from Spain - it certainly feels easier to be on treatment in a warm sunny climate where the pace of life is inherently slow and laid back, and free from the practicalities of everyday life (work, household jobs, finances, etc). If it was practical and possible I would go back tomorrow for a long stay.
I feel I have reached a kind of plateau stage in my treatment - where I am relatively free of big side-effects and now just live within the limitations of treatment. For the most part, I think I have come to terms with and accepted living within these limitations. Today, though, I am not feeling so accepting of the limitations - although writing all of this down enables me to see and feel that the constraints are not so great really.
And I can recognise that what I have written could border on ‘giving myself a hard time’ - when there is really no need. I can sense there is a chemically induced buzzing and twitching below the surface pushing me emotionally and causing me to feel fed up, frustrated, restless. And at the same time no energy or enthusiasm to do much. Strange stuff these drugs. But re-reading all this makes me feel the day hasn’t really been a waste - relative to other days on this journey through treatment. I have survived the perverse emotional push and pull of these drugs and done enough to make me appreciate I have lived this day, Sunday 5 June, and learned from it.
June 5th, 2005 at 8:38 pm
Hi Ron
It’s always nice to read your blogs, they are always thoughtful and insightful, and sometimes a little melancholy. By the end of the blog you have always managed to find something positive to be gained even from the toughstuff. I admire your ability to continue living your life as normal as possible, despite the challenges that this treatment brings.
You are right, this stuff is strange, it does odd things to us emotionally, psychologically and physically. And sometimes we can rise above it, and others we are swept along for a bit whilst we regain our energy. And sometimes we just need to sit around, go with how we feel and relax in the knowledge that it’s OK - it’s all part of the process.
There are lots of fledglings starting to come out at the moment, I saw some baby bluetits yesterday learning to fly.
Have a peaceful night.
Lu
June 5th, 2005 at 9:41 pm
It’s so useful to read your thoughts on those sort of days. I suspect we all have them.
I can only echo what Lu has put so well above.
Best Wishes
Jane
June 5th, 2005 at 10:22 pm
Thank you for your kind comments - I appreciate them. Writing that blog was a processing for me. I have ended the day with a different view - feeling more relaxed and ready for sleep by now.
Tonight we watched a mother sparrow showing her fledgling how to feed at the feeder in our garden.
Thanks again for your support
Ron
June 5th, 2005 at 10:27 pm
It hasn’t at all been a waste, because it’s part of the treatment, part of the healing. Some days or weekends are just like this, pottering about. My wife has been doing that all weekend and enjoying it immensely. She’s not on treatment, though, and I suspect she’s not expecting as much of herself as I did on treatment and still do. Enjoy the rest of the weekend and sleep well.
Peter
June 6th, 2005 at 1:39 am
hi ron. writing can be such a theraputic event in and of itself. i’m glad you got through your day. its a bit of a question of whatever gets you through the night (to quote john lennon)
take it easy, but take it
warm regards
tom
June 6th, 2005 at 9:39 pm
Ron,
You are in serious danger of becoming a lounge lizard! I don’t think its anything to do with the HCV whatsoever! The chance to loaf around and do naff all for a day - wonderfull! This has got to be another positive aspect of treatment. Without the excuse you would never get away with it. Enjoy it while you have the chance because the excuse won’t be there much longer!
Martin
June 6th, 2005 at 9:45 pm
I enjoyed reading what you say. I think that there are major losses involved - theres no doubt that you are losing out on all that you would be and would be doing if you didn’t have the virus and weren’t on treatment. And with any loss there will be a grieving process, and grief is made up mainly of a mixture of anger and sadness. It sounds to me like you are engaging in and processing those feelings, and then coming back to your wise position of acceptance. I identify with you on this - it has been one of the hardest things for me. The more I love life the harder it is to not have enough energy to participate as fully as I would like. When you feel you’re not doing enough think of what your immune system is up to. Best wishes to you, Jeremy