Week 30 - Friday: Grumpy
Over the past few days I am aware of feeling rather ‘grumpy’ about anything, and everything, very quickly.
And I was involved in a brief disagreement with a colleague at work which left me feeling very emotional afterwards. Fortunately I hadnt said anything which I regret - or very much of anything at all - I think the other person had more issues than I and was the more verbal. I don’t want to go into more detail here about our interchange - but I was left holding a lot of raging feelings.
I am so struck how emotionally I reacted and how very angry I was - over something which was relatively minor and resolvable. At several points that evening I was certain I would have to walk out and come home - I just didn’t know where to put myself I was that angry. Because I knew there would be formal implications to walking out I managed to hang on through the rest of the shift. I was pre-occupied with how angry and outraged I was feeling for most of two days. As the matter has not been resolved between us as colleagues I still have a feeling of carrying around ‘unfinished business’. My own counselling therapy yesterday was very useful in letting some of this go and helping me to find a more even balance about it all.
With hindsight I am pleased I didn’t ‘let rip’ and give vent to this rage as I am sure I would have caused a BIG scene and found it very hard to justify as acceptable ‘work environment’ behaviour afterwards. Riba-rage is something people on treatment know about and understand - but the rest of the world is a different matter and we have to live in that world too.
Along with this I have noticed how my ribavirin tablets are feeling very heavy on my stomach after I take them - making me uncomfortable as they are ingested into my system with gurgling and knotting. A new experience.
I have had a relaxing massage from Carol this morning and feel like a restful snooze at the moment - but it is time to get ready to go off to work for the evening, so no such luck - damn it. See, I said I feel grumpy.
June 10th, 2005 at 5:29 pm
Hi Ron,
The fix that I found for the ‘Riba Stomach’ was to make sure that the tablets are taken in the middle of a meal, not beginning or end, and to add a regular supply of something containing fresh bacteria. Any one of the ‘friendly bacteria’ drinks or even natural live yoghurt will do. The other tip is to make sure that the food has a reasonable fat content, as this promotes the absorbtion of ribavirin and protects the gut from the worst of its effects. Half a glass of full cream milk works! The transformation that this has made between my past and present treatment is unbelievable. Previously, I spent months enduring diarhea and nausea. This time has been trouble free. You get a double benefit this way as your food is properly digested and you get the proper nutrition from it!
Give it a try!
Martin
June 10th, 2005 at 7:01 pm
I think many of us can empathise, Ron.
Sounds like you have taken the vital first step of recognising when you feel irritable and reining in the instinctive reactions. I know I don’t always manage that, but I feel that I am getting better at ‘letting go’ at appropriate times - like driving when the idiot in the other car can’t hear me.
I also respond when told that I am irritable.
I have always believed that opinions and feelings are better expressed, but am increasingly aware that keeping my mouth shut and simmering in silence is often better. If I’m justified, I will make my points later in a calm manner - if not, I feel the smug satisfaction that I have kept myself in check.
June 10th, 2005 at 7:50 pm
Hi Ron,
Just beacuse you are on treatment does not mean that you cannot vent your anger, don’t forget the world does not stop turning just because you are on treatment and there are an awful lot of pillocks on the planet some of whom you need to be rude to. So I say stop holding back, let rip and say what you mean, if you get introuble play the treatment card!
Jonathan
June 11th, 2005 at 9:53 am
Hi Rone,
same thing is with me, my wife recons i become angry quick since i started the treatment, but in my calcultions i have become more controled then ever before. people watch you too much and feel about little things because of fears of the treatment in their mind. God bless every one.
June 11th, 2005 at 2:28 pm
Hi Ron,
Agree. I find that emotional responses are very heightened, perhaps exaggerated, while on treatment. Things that occur affect me much more intensely, even those that I previously would have blown off as unimportant. Keep trying to remind myself of this, with limited success! Being grumpy is okay - eventually, it morphs into something different. Have a great weekend,
Sue
June 11th, 2005 at 4:24 pm
Hi Ron
Yeah I sometimes have that ribavirin tummy feeling - it is not nice, a really leaden and heavy feeling. I usually try and keep eating something until it goes, and if this doesn’t seem to work I get the old peppermint tea which often helps. Also fizzy water induces burping which is relieving - and can be quite funny (if only to you)! I’m also using a probiotic which really seems to make a difference.
I was reading yesterday that whatever you’re feeling, naming it is the most important step. So, grumpy grumpy grumpy - like Sue says, it tends to morph into something else, and I think maybe this process is quicker if the feeling is acknowledged rather than resisted. I’m sure you and Carol are aware of this philosophy. Of course there are limits that we put on ourselves to prevent exacerbating situations through (riba-laden) reactivity, and your self control sounds commendable. I hope you didn’t suffer in ’swallowing’ it - hence your reflections on the situation being really important. I’m beginning to wonder if we learn the most from the most difficult things in our lives.
Massage sounds great - I also had one this week with my sister. It is wonderful to be able to relax and put your body into the safety of someone else’s soothing hands for an hour or so.
We are heading on towards that final straight now - I am thinking of you as we are due to finish within a few weeks of each other. Hang in there, we can do it.
Lu
June 12th, 2005 at 2:37 pm
Hi Ron
It occurs to me that the anger and the feelings in your stomach are connected. How about expressive or cathartic work - shouting, raging, growling, hitting cushions, or anything where you visualise the feeling coming up and out? Sometimes I find this isn’t the right approach and calming down is whats needed, but sometimes it can be good to do something expressive in a safe place.
Best wishes
Jeremy
PS Had my first insomnia experience last night and found your idea of lavendar oil on a handkerchief was good - thanks. In the moring my wife said she had a lovely dream about lavendar fields!