Week 33 - Tuesday
Yesterday was injection #34 – 14 injections to go to 48 weeks.
A fortnight ago I was experiencing grumpy, then irritation and raging. Last week I found deep wells of sadness surging up and emerging.
It began with cathartic laughing and weeping during an aromatherapy massage with Carol. In my counselling session I also experienced great sadness about loss. Loss of my previous ‘busy’ life, my ‘wits’ (due to brain-fog) and in a number of other areas. Although I don’t like experiencing the emotion of sadness it felt a relief and release to let it go. As my therapist pointed out it is better expressed than repressed or depressed.
On Sunday Carol and I went to the opening ceremony for the creation of a sand mandala by the Tibetan Lamas of Drepung Loseling Monastery, who have been touring in Europe, the US and Canada. (Traditionally most sand mandalas are destroyed shortly after their completion. This is done as a metaphor of the impermanence of life. The sands are swept up and placed in an urn; to fulfil the function of healing, half is distributed to the audience at the closing ceremony, while the remainder is carried to a nearby body of water, where it is deposited. The waters then carry the healing blessing to the ocean, and from there it spreads throughout the world for planetary healing.)
Click here to see more pictures from that day.
I was moved to great sadness again as I listened to the chanting and meditations. In public, I experienced difficulty coping – really wanting to release the sadness through tears, which I did later in the ‘privacy’ of our car. Again relief and release.
I want to stay with this experience and go through it. It makes me realise how very quickly I begin to worry any sadness will lead to me becoming depressed and having to take anti-depressants. Not sure why I ‘worry’ about this but I can see it becomes enough to ‘turn off’ the feelings, which then leads me back to repressing and depressing the feelings. Which does lead to depression. Paradoxical. I am determined to stay with all this process and see whether there is more to emerge …
I don’t feel overwhelmed by all this feeling – it’s just a different experience and one I think is, again, the effect of the medications (not stimulating the seratonins, etc). As Mynurse pointed out, this treatment does lead men to explore the more feminine side of themselves. Which I recall is what Paul has also been saying in his blog.
In my appointment at the Clinic with Mynurse I discussed the pros and cons of extending my treatment to 60 or 72 weeks. We agreed by Week 44 I will decide whether I want to continue on, and Mynurse will confer with Graham Foster about it. I should point out this is my initiative – not because it has been advised on medical grounds. I know there are statistics which show an increased effectiveness with the prolonging of treatment. (I have to locate these again as I can’t remember which website I saw them on now.) I am aware that the first treatment is the best shot at eradicating the virus – and I am aware that my age is a factor not in my favour for SVR. So I want to consider all the options carefully – as part of my commitment to eradicating this virus and achieving wellness.
In the afternoon I ventured up Brick Lane to a gallery to see a photographic exhibition showing some of Michele Martinoli’s work. I had been invited to the Preview Evening last week but I had to work. Interesting photos – different than the sombre ‘Out of the Shadows’ photos, exploring men’s changing role in society. Years since I had been to this area and found it all very vibrant with it’s combination of Bengali and arts communities intermingling.
Having experienced this emotional process of sadness and released the feelings this past week, I do feel much more positive again.
June 29th, 2005 at 10:22 pm
ron:
You talk about the possibility of extending your treatment for some time past the 48-week level. Did you reach undetectable viral load at Week 24, or did you do the viral load test at that point? I just got back preliminary results (which means I have yet to see the paperwork) of my 24-week level and I apparently tested “negative” for Hep C. I am aware that 48-weeks is the only way to go for Genotype I, but have not yet thought about extending it beyond that point.
Grace and peace …
June 29th, 2005 at 11:23 pm
Great to hear you are entering into the experience and not fighting it.
Er, to quote some other mutants “Resistance is futile”. Doesn`t do you any good either.
This may be our one and only chance to explore these areas, including the feminine side. Unchartered territory - thats what I was told before I started tx. It has certainly proved to be that.
Paul.
June 30th, 2005 at 1:20 am
hi ron. during my recent seperation from my partner of 20 years, i went through some awful moments where i thought the darkest thoughts. funnily enough they weren’t brought on by sadness and tears, but by thinking too much about my situation. the tears and grieving helped. the thinking didn’t.
i have also experienced the sand painting monks of tibet. it was fantastic to listen to those low notes. they tear away our normal world view i think.
and what is M.M.’s exhibition about?
regards and enjoy your feminine side
tom
June 30th, 2005 at 9:19 am
Hi Ron
I thought the grumpiness and irritability was just me being a miserable old git - it’s great to have an excuse for it.
Seriously, although the heightened emotional state can sometimes be a bit frightening, I also feel it’s refreshing, especially as we so often tend to repress our natural feelings.Isn’t it regrettable that we should feel that this is the ‘feminine’ side?
Keep hanging in there - and experience the highs as well as the lows - that has to be some consolation.
And Tom - I can empathise with you, having been through a similar personal situation recently. I agree - too much thinking can be dangerous, far better to let instinct take over - but keep talking to those who will listen and support. Which brings me back to the need for professional coounselling…
June 30th, 2005 at 5:23 pm
Wow! Men talking about their feelings. And on the internet. Soon we will be addressing our comments to “Dear Ron”.
Another option for you, Ron, after tx. An online counselling service.
Paul.
June 30th, 2005 at 8:13 pm
Well Paul - already done the online counselling training as well as my face to face counselling training so I guess I’m all set - now I just have to sit out the treatment, eh?
June 30th, 2005 at 8:22 pm
Hi Ron, hows things?
Yes I’ve heard of the longer duration of treatment - the nurse I see said that at our department this is only an option for men. It is interesting that you’re thinking about it, and I wonder how that is making you feel about where you are in the 48 week stretch.
The sand mandalas sound wonderful - I can totally understand you feeling emotional at such a ceremony. Very beautiful and powerful.
I agree with the idea of going with the feelings as part of the process of accepting life as it is - there are lots of ways of putting it, but I always remember an EST thing from years ago which said ‘resistance leads to persistence’. It’s true in all sorts of different ways. It takes a lot of courage to ‘open’ to experiences. But as you know it can bring relief and calm, like the feeling when you’ve been holding on and holding on and finally you let your grip loosen. And it’s OK. You don’t fall off.
I do hope you have a good week and that you feel well
Take care
Lu
July 1st, 2005 at 3:26 am
DEAR RON, …………….(ADD ANY SUBJECT CONCERNBING YOUR EMOTIONAL/SPIRITUAL/ SEX/LIFE)
have a good day
tom
July 1st, 2005 at 3:31 pm
Hmmm,
So you are considering extending treatment too?
I love that feeling of sadness which is not really sad but deep and cool and quiet. It always makes me think in haiku’s, (you know the japanese poems), and want to sit quietly under a tree somewhere listening to the wind in the boughs.
When I stop looking for a reason for my sadness
and when I let go of my thoughts,
my thoughts drift away and
I am at one with the Universe.
Have a great weekend
Wend x
July 2nd, 2005 at 5:04 pm
Hi Ron,
Your desciption of the sand mandalas stimulated terrific conversation between my sister Nan and I, also discussing those made from butter and allowed to subsequently melt in the sun. If only we gave such incredible detail to each moment of our lives before it passed.
A beautiful analogy for us all at this time.
Sue