Living Without HepC

For the past few days I have been reading the blogs and the Forum but not really getting around to writing anything much myself. I’ve been leaving emails unanswered. And letting other everyday matters slide (such as filling in my passport renewal application, etc).

Carol and I enjoyed a lazy Sunday having lunch in the garden and lying in the sun. We then went on a ‘city walk’ exploring Little Venice and the Paddington Basin. I took the digital camera Ben gave us and took photos. I’ve posted these up at Flickr.com in their own special set. An enjoyable day.

Yesterday I did very little and Carol observed how ‘introspective’ I seemed. Useful feedback. I do feel my world has not only got smaller during this treatment but I am aware of not being very interested, or motivated, in my usual way, in what’s going on around me in the world. I know I’m dealing with the London bombings by not paying much attention to it – the feelings get very strong, very quickly. Both the sadness and the anger. And I felt wistful several times yesterday without thinking about anything as momentous as this issue.

As I prepared my weekly injection, I noticed a thought flitting into my head “I do not want to inject more of these strong drugs into me”. I dismissed it and carried on with injection 36. It made me think about others on treatment who have had such a difficult time at certain times, hating the drugs and feeling trapped inside treatment.

It was the first time I had such a thought and made me recognise my current feelings. I am getting weary of this process. I have recently felt very aware of feeling “reduced” and thought I can cope with this. When I say reduced, I mean feeling I am losing my ‘brain’ to the ‘fog’ all the time, not working much, not having much money, being tired and breathless all the time. And not getting on with interesting things. I feel my world has got smaller as I have reduced the stress in my life. I have cocooned myself in a protective lifestyle but it is getting tedious.

However I also remember that others on this treatment who have felt similarly have stuck with it and gone through it. I can locate within myself a determination to carry on also. I can remember the commitment with which I began this process – and the determination to face the side-effects and to embrace the changes that treatment would require. And there are only 12 more injections to go until the 48 weeks is complete.

I have already planned to be away in Spain and Morocco during the last 3 weeks, so I have only the next 9 weeks before then.

Today has been another day – and it has proved to be a different one. The sunshine has been great today. I am looking forward to receiving my Reiki 2nd Degree attunements this weekend and making preparations for this. I’ve looked again at my emails - two of the unanswered emails are invitations to do another Live Web Chat at the Hepatitis C Trust and to speak about my views on HepC at a health care conference. I can find my enthusiasm again and my interest in what’s going on out there. And I did manage to get my passport photo done so I’ve made a start on that passport renewal.

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 14th, 2005 at 7:16 pm and is filed under Journal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.