Week 8 - Friday
Oh the irony! When I read my entry for Tuesday about maintaining a positive perspective …. Yesterday, Thursday, proved to be a most chaotic day - I was all over the place. I had completely lost my equilibrium and still hadn’t really noticed. I felt irritable with just about everything and everyone. I kept encountering situations where people weren’t trying hard enough and it was making me cross. At some point later in the day I realised that these views were based on my assumption that everyone else should be trying hard … because I am! Actually I am trying hard. Perhaps too hard … like “behaving myself” instead of challenging because I might appear irritable, and other such efforts.
And nauseous. Every time I ate something I felt ill - like I might be sick. It also happened whenever I smoked a cigarette. (No, it wasn’t the right moment to think about stopping, but it did help in cutting down.) I couldn’t decide on anything - where I wanted to be or where I wanted to put myself. And distracting …
In the midst of this Carol was trying to book flights to Spain for us, to fit a short, week-long break amongst our various appointments. Last week I found myself mulling over my memories of the sea and sun of Spain and I realised I want to return there soon for a break. It would be such a boost to sit in the sun and warm rather than the gloom of the UK winter weather. So we have arranged to go.
But I did get irritable during the arrangements. Sometimes I don’t realise I am being irritable or aggressive - and it is disarming to be confronted doing it; at other times I can hear it but can’t stop myself. Worse is when I feel it and hang on to it in gloomy silence.
Late in the day I did face up to having lost touch with myself. That began the process of me trying to find my “centre” again. I realised I may be trying too hard to be positive in my attitude to the detriment of what I am feeling. And what I am feeling is largely chemically induced. This may have been just another ‘wrong’ day. I think these are the sort of days other people taking this medication have described.
Today, Friday, is another day - I woke feeling rested and positive about the day ahead. I ate my breakfast with no sign of nausea afterward. No irritations or grumps. A completely different day!
January 9th, 2005 at 8:42 am
Very helpful, Ron, thanks for your honesty. These blogs from various hepc bloggers are begining to sound like a twelve step meeting.
I almost feel like introducing myself as “Hi, I`m Paul and I am hepc positive”.
The astonishing thing is the intense identification one gets, it`s a gateway into another world.
I am actually glad for this experience - can you believe that??
Just finished reading Ranulph Fiennes auto bio on his trip to the north pole. The preparation I am putting into my countdown to therapy reminds me of his trip.
I`ll be back.
Ron writes: I think you are right, Paul, about another world! I know, ‘clear’ of the virus or not, I will never really be free of Hepatitis C and my life has changed because of this.. there is a positive side to this as well - it has made me stop and evaluate my lifestyle, my career and my ambitions. It has also helped me to be open to new experiences and I am now doing things I would never have done before - such as accupuncture, reiki, meditation (to name some) and I feel enriched as a person because of it!
What other blogs have you found? I have been looking around (and discovering very few) as I am working on a journal entry about others on the same journey.
I strongly suspect preparation for treatment is very important and I think a trip to the North Pole is probably very similar in terms of gravity of the project!
Look forward to hearing from you again! Ron
January 9th, 2005 at 11:38 am
Ron, it doesn’t do any harm once in a while to blow off some steam and do the ‘grumpy old git’ thing. It eases some of the irritation and reminds those around of what you are going through. You can be too good a patient! Failing that try walking the dog/going to the pub - but not too much alcohol!
Stick with it - you’re doing great!
Best wishes
Martin
Ron writes: Thanx for the encouragement, Martin. I feel better when I do the ‘grumpy old git’ thing - it’s the rest of the world who suffers it - which I worry about - especially as I can be so good at it! Talk to you soon! Ron
January 9th, 2005 at 2:04 pm
Hi Ron,
Sounds like you are having a bit of a bad old time at the moment, hopefully the holiday will help. Treatment for me is weird, at the moment I generally feel fine but then I get waves of tiredness and emotion.
For me irrational angry behaviour has always been a side effect of the hep C. I warned friends that I would be worse and encouraged them to point out when I am being irrational. This kind of helps me.
Best of luck
Jonathan
Ron writes: It is really weird, Jonathan - this chemically induced journey! I know what you mean - I can feel incredibly [I CAN’T THINK OF THE WORD!!] sentimental and touched to the point of tears about mundane things I see on TV at times - like you said, in waves! And the tiredness, too.
Another aspect of the ‘weird’ is that I just seem to have these days - without warning and often without me realising I am having a ‘wrong’ one at first, and then the next day is completely different and everything is ok! Difficult for planning your life - “yes, I will have a meeting with you next Tuesday - unless I am having a ‘wrong’ day and feeling incredibly grumpy - or sentimental!”
Thanx for your encouragement - I have been visiting your blog too and planning to install a link to it on my site. Ron